Virtual Meeting May 2012 Poem #3

5/24/2012

TEN YEARS IS NOT SO LONG

You have not changed.
And winds that bore you from me
like sails of neon men-of-war, full-thrust
against past tides of cities, lit with efflorescent lens
of dew and myriads of time-shined spores
have kept you -
I, the wind-maker.

You have not changed.
And I, the firefly and moth
of constant dreams and surging sands,these fluxing tides
of shifting in the glow of ancient keeps, built high
on wave-strewn coastlines, gusting with the banshee scream
have kept you -
I, the wind maker.

You have not changed.
And clouds that bore you in me
light as dusk on distant forms of stream-swept jade
sweeping past sweet banks on polished sleds of glass
fresh-cut from Chartres’ ancient rose
have kept you -
I, the born-on-wind.

You have not changed.
And youthful blooms of forest depths
lie swimming in the galaxies of starfish, lighting with their fires
the phoenix of never-ashing keep, fanned high
by winds that bore you to me
sails that kept you -
You, the wind-rider.

Brad Drew © 1976 London

6 Comments

Judy

5/24/2012 12:02:23 pm

Brad

A thought-provoking poem. Very visual - I like it a lot.

The title bothers me a little. Perhaps a bit prosaic for the rest of the poem. I'd prefer 'You Have Not Changed' or even simply 'Ten Years'.

Your repeated last lines in V1 and V2 have different punctuation. Is this deliberate? If so, it does add a slight change of meaning.

I really like 'stream-swept jade
sweeping past sweet banks on polished sleds of glass'. Nice imagery.

but ...
'phoenix of never-ashing keep' does nothing for me.

As I said - thought-provoking. Good stuff.

Judy

Brad Drew

5/31/2012 08:57:51 pm

Judy
I had second thoughts about the title (the original from 1976) myself, thinking also, 'You Have Not Changed'. Having also had a similar comment from Lyn, I am convinced to change it to that effect.
Re the punctuation differences... a simple typo: both 'wind-maker' lines should be hyphenated.
Lyn has made some good points also, to which I shall be responding.
Cheers, Brad

Dee

5/30/2012 04:57:07 pm

Without having to analyse this poem I immediately loved it for its ethereal romantic tone. The title explains the point of the poem. Rather melancholy, it touches the heart.

lyn

5/31/2012 02:16:15 am

Brad’s ‘Ten Years is Not so Long’

This is so rich - such romance, such regret here, but though the title sets the scene I do wonder if 'You have not changed' would work better. There is an ‘I’ and a ‘You’ and the reader doesn’t need to know any more detail – just to realise that though there has been a parting, a memory has been enshrined. I like the insubstantiality of it, illustrated by ‘moth’, ‘firefly’, and tides and clouds and sand and wind. All this conveys the shimmer of memory so well. And I think the repetition of ‘You have not changed’ works well, and then the switch from wind maker to wind-rider.

Overall there is such a yearning feeling, and the hopeless of it all. I do, however, think it would benefit by just a little pruning. Apologies, Brad! Sometimes I feel the overload verges on overwhelming the reader (well, this reader, anyway). In the first stanza I think you could lose ‘and myriads of time-shined spores’ (would like to hear you read that phrase out loud!) as it just tips the stanza into overload. Anyway, I am always worried about ‘myriad’. The stanza reads well without it.

The same in stanza 2: I would lose ‘gusting with the banshee scream’ – I think its enough to have those cliffs and ancient keeps and anyway ‘ancient keeps’ carry all those allusions of drama and mayhem.

In the third stanza I love the introduction of colour and the link with stained glass and a picture rebuilt in the mind. Nice metaphor, that rose window. But I am slightly worried about too many ‘ee’ sounds here: stream-swept, sweeping, sweet. Might you be happy to dispense with ‘sweeping’? The stanza reads well without it.

I like the ambiguity of ‘born’ on wind, when it might be ‘borne’.

And in the final stanza again I think there is sensory overload: might you omit ‘lie swimming in the galaxies of starfish’? I don’t really understand that line, anyway. Could you say ‘and youthful blooms of forest depths light with their fires the phoenix of never-ashing keep’?

I am amazed by the date at the end of this one. How come it hasn’t seen the light of day before now?
Apologies if I have weighed in too heavily - I really do like it!

Brad Drew

6/2/2012 11:04:33 am

Thanks Lyn – a thoughtful and well-considered response. I think you've clarified quite a few pointers that I was uncomfortable about but never got to analyze quite so succinctly.
I think this is why (along with a few other of the London poems) the piece had not seen the light of day before: I guess I felt the sensory overload in feeling that, in sum total, it was a little over the top.
Whilst individually, I still feel a liking for all of the metaphors and images, I think the ones you have singled out, are generally, quite pertinent and I have done a couple of revisions, the last of which, I'm going to attempt to paste below...

YOU HAVE NOT CHANGED

You have not changed.
And winds that bore you from me
like sails of neon men-of-war, full-thrust
against past tides of cities, lit with efflorescent lens
of dew and time-shined spores
have kept you –
I, the wind-maker.

You have not changed.
And I, the firefly and moth
of constant dreams and surging sands,these fluxing tides
of shifting in the glow of ancient keeps, built high
on wave-strewn coastlines
have kept you –
I, the wind-maker.

You have not changed.
And clouds that bore you in me
light as dusk on distant forms of stream-swept jade,
down sweet banks on polished sleds of glass
fresh-cut from Chartres’ ancient rose
have kept you –
I, the born-on-wind.

You have not changed.
And youthful blooms of forest depths
light with their fires,
the phoenix keep, fanned high
by winds that bore you to me
sails that kept you –
You, the wind-rider.

Brad Drew © 1976 London

So there you have it! I do feel more comfortable with it. Thanks.
Brad

Brad Drew

6/2/2012 11:05:18 am

Virtual Meeting May 2012 Poem #3

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