Judy's December poem

12/13/2012

Kuto Beach, Isle of Pines

The sand is white here, glittering, almost too bright in the sun.

I bend to take a handful, let the grains drift from my fingers.

Tiny microcosms in free-fall, they hang suspended in the languid air.

Across the island, on the windy side, the sea slides with relentless force

through the deep-water channel between the caved rock and shore.

Here they built a landing stage for boats to come

bringing stores and supplies.

There were buildings and roads and an airstrip,

but it's all gone now.

The sea has claimed its own--

huge chunks of concrete tumble amongst fallen trees

uprooted by the devouring current.

A partly ruined wall, some ironwork and masonry,

forgotten remnants—that's all that remains.

Back at Kuto Beach, by the water's edge,

the sand glistens with a thousand faces,

pristine, untouched.

I see no footprints from the past,

and the feathered waves call no names.

There's no one left on this, their bali hai.

From the fringing palms come women's voices,

wafting on the wind in perfect harmony.

The gentle island tongue is strange,

but the melody strangely familiar, evocative

of something that happened here, in another time.

ki yi yippy yippy yay yippy yay

ki yi yippy yippy yay

Some imprints endure.

J Bandidt © December, 2012

2 Comments

Lyn

1/15/2013 09:24:50 am

Kuto Beach, Isle of Pines - This is elegiac, haunting. I like the vowel echoes – white, bright, side, slide, supplies, and the link with the very end – ‘time’. And force, shore, water. Also as the poem makes a transition, the echoes of claimed, remains, faces, waves, names. It’s such a moving poem, and I feel I am right there on that beach. I just love ‘glittering’ sand.
I would like to make a few changes, though! I wonder if the poem might benefit from the symmetry of five, five line stanzas: the first could be broken into five lines. The second could be altered by the last two lines combining. The fourth could make one line out of the second and third. Would symmetry add to the rhythm of the poem?

I would remove ‘tiny microcosms’ from the opening stanza, and remove ‘to come’ from the third line of stanza 2, and shorten that final two lines to ‘buildings, roads, an airstrip, all gone now.
Towards the end, as you have already used ‘wind’ early in the poem, how about ‘wafting on the breeze’, instead? Or 'carried'?
I have pondered over the ‘ki yi yippy etc’ couplet. I know why you want to include it, but my own preference is just to be left imagining how that faint sound might drift across the sand. I love the closing line, though.
So – this is my version, and as always you are perfectly at liberty to shout me down and ignore any suggestions:

Kuto Beach, Isle of Pines

The sand is white here, glittering,
almost too bright in the sun.
I bend to take a handful,
let the grains drift from my fingers.
In free-fall, they hang suspended in the languid air.

Across the island, on the windy side,
the sea slides with relentless force
through the deep-water channel between caved rock and shore.
Here they built a landing stage for boats bringing stores and supplies.
Buildings, roads, an airstrip, all gone now.

Back at Kuto Beach, by the water’s edge,
the sand glistens with a thousand faces, pristine, untouched.
I see no footprints from the past,
and the feathered waves call no names.
There’s no one left on this, their bali hai.

From the fringing palms come women’s voices
wafting on the breeze in perfect harmony.
The gentle island tongue is strange,
yet the melody familiar, evocative
of something that happened here, in another time.

Some imprints endure.

Judy

2/1/2013 05:03:50 am

Yes, much better Lyn. Thank you.

Verbosity is a frequent fault of mine!

Judy

Judy's December poem

Leave a Reply.

Archives

Categories